- Background Essay -
Certain places remind me too much of my old habits. Certain foods still taste like hunching over the toilet, holding my hair back. The clothes I would wear on the days where I felt like my body was too repulsive to be seen, the measuring tape still hung over my dresser, pen marks in different colors measuring goals and realities. Life in eating disorder recovery- especially when almost nobody else knows that you went through one at all- is fragile.
My problems started in middle school. As I became more socially aware I realized that there was an ideal body for a woman, and I did not have it. It started out with giving away food from my lunch, measuring my waist almost daily, and collecting images of skinny models to use as ‘thinspo’. When I got to high school things started to intensify. I would skip breakfast and lunch every day, and lie when asked about it. I started to track my calorie intake- the limit being 1200 calories per day (about the same amount a toddler should eat daily), and often add extra calories to the tracker in order to prevent me from eating even more. The first time I purged was in freshman year, after taking the bus home with a friend who had made an especially rude comment on my eating habits and body. This became a habit after I ate more than 1200 calories in a day, and it continued for more than 6 months before I told anyone.
Seeking eating disorder therapy was not an option during the pandemic- I lied to my friends and family about recovering while I continued to purge. I hated the taste, and I hated the feeling of making myself throw up- but I loved the feeling of emptiness afterwards. Every time I did it I thought that this was it; that this time it would make me skinny. I never did tell certain family members out of fear that they would feel guilty. I also felt like it was something that I had to deal with on my own, which for the most part, I did. At some point, someone pointed out how weak I looked- my hair was thin and my nails were fragile, I got exhausted doing simple activities, it became harder to focus in school and I was constantly tired- there were bags under my eyes and my skin was dry and acne-ridden. I didn’t want this, I wanted to be healthy and happy. I started to attempt recovery, however I relapsed several times in the process. I have been clean for just over a year now.
Foods that I would fixate on and eat regularly in this time period make me sick now because of their association with purging. Even being in particular places or rooms gives me an overwhelming nausea. Although I did lose an unhealthy amount of weight in this time, I was unable to recognize it, and to some extent, still cannot. I’m currently seeking further treatment for remaining disordered eating habits; I hope someday I can eat whatever food I want without feeling guilty and look at my own body without feeling ashamed.
My problems started in middle school. As I became more socially aware I realized that there was an ideal body for a woman, and I did not have it. It started out with giving away food from my lunch, measuring my waist almost daily, and collecting images of skinny models to use as ‘thinspo’. When I got to high school things started to intensify. I would skip breakfast and lunch every day, and lie when asked about it. I started to track my calorie intake- the limit being 1200 calories per day (about the same amount a toddler should eat daily), and often add extra calories to the tracker in order to prevent me from eating even more. The first time I purged was in freshman year, after taking the bus home with a friend who had made an especially rude comment on my eating habits and body. This became a habit after I ate more than 1200 calories in a day, and it continued for more than 6 months before I told anyone.
Seeking eating disorder therapy was not an option during the pandemic- I lied to my friends and family about recovering while I continued to purge. I hated the taste, and I hated the feeling of making myself throw up- but I loved the feeling of emptiness afterwards. Every time I did it I thought that this was it; that this time it would make me skinny. I never did tell certain family members out of fear that they would feel guilty. I also felt like it was something that I had to deal with on my own, which for the most part, I did. At some point, someone pointed out how weak I looked- my hair was thin and my nails were fragile, I got exhausted doing simple activities, it became harder to focus in school and I was constantly tired- there were bags under my eyes and my skin was dry and acne-ridden. I didn’t want this, I wanted to be healthy and happy. I started to attempt recovery, however I relapsed several times in the process. I have been clean for just over a year now.
Foods that I would fixate on and eat regularly in this time period make me sick now because of their association with purging. Even being in particular places or rooms gives me an overwhelming nausea. Although I did lose an unhealthy amount of weight in this time, I was unable to recognize it, and to some extent, still cannot. I’m currently seeking further treatment for remaining disordered eating habits; I hope someday I can eat whatever food I want without feeling guilty and look at my own body without feeling ashamed.
- Inspiration -
Artist in focus: David Arribas
David Arribas is a freelance photographer based in Madrid, Spain. He specializes in black and white photography. The collection of photos I chose to use as inspiration was 'Cage', done in 2020. 'Cage' followed a young woman named Julia who struggled with anorexia. Arribas used high contrast in black and white to accentuate the bones, and to make the image more dramatic. I liked this idea of the bones being prominent in the photos in order to highlight how skinny the subject was. |
Davis Arribas, in this collection, also made the human figure the focal point for the photographs. The use of drastic highlights and shadows draws the eyes towards Julia and down her back. All of the photos in the collection have a very intense, depressing, almost intimate mood that makes the viewer feel as though they are there with Julia as she obsesses over her body and weight. Although there were a few artistic choices made by Arribas that I would like to incorporate into my art, the biggest connection between the two will for sure be just theme of eating disorders in general.
- Process -
After examining Arribas's work in order to get an idea for my ow piece, I started doing rough sketches of what I wanted the collage to look like. I experimented with where I wanted to stand, how close I wanted to be to the camera and which direction I would face. I originally wanted my body not to be in the center of the collage but more towards the right side. I knew that I wanted my body to be slightly tilted away from the camera, not just because it was personally a more flattering angle for me, but so that the lighting would accentuate my protruding ribcage.
The measuring tape that I had was not long enough to wrap more than twice around my body, however I wanted several wraps around my waist, arms, and neck, so I would have to take multiple photos and edit the taped areas on later. In my sketchbook, I experimented exactly where I wanted the tapes to go, so I would know how to pose for the photos.
The measuring tape that I had was not long enough to wrap more than twice around my body, however I wanted several wraps around my waist, arms, and neck, so I would have to take multiple photos and edit the taped areas on later. In my sketchbook, I experimented exactly where I wanted the tapes to go, so I would know how to pose for the photos.
After I took my photos, I uploaded them to my computer and used PhotoPea (a simpler, free version of Photoshop) to start the editing process. The first thing that I did was blur out my face. Although my face is on my portfolio website I did not want it attached to this collage. I used the clone tool to go over facial features like the mouth, nose, and eyes, to give them a similar lighting to the rest of face. This, however, looked very choppy up close and so I used the smudge took to blur it even further and give it a smooth look.
The next step in my process was to edit the several different measuring tape pieces onto one image. I could re-use the tape across the stomach for another one across the ribs by tracing it with the lasso tool and then copy-pasting back onto the picture. I used the free-transform tool to move and bend the measuring tape to the spot where I wanted it. Because the shading didn't match the spot where I placed it, I changed the brightness and the contrast to match it. I used this same process with the tape around the arms, and added shading to the inner corners to create the illusion of depth.
I used the second photo I took (of the measuring tape choking me), and edited out each chunk of the tape and edited it back onto the photos. I had to do it chunk-by-chunk since I wasn't in the same exact position as in the first photo. I think that this part ended up looking the least realistic.
The last thing I did in the process of my digital collage was adjusting the picture itself. After I was done editing the tapes and smudging out the face, certain it looked exactly how I wanted it, I collapsed all of the layers into one, to make editing it collectively easier. I turned down the saturation almost all of the way. I decided mid-editing that I wanted there to be just a tiny amount of color- barely noticeable. I also turned up the contrast to make the image more dramatic, and turned down the brightness as well. This left me with my final piece.
- Critique -
- Reflection -
Overall, doing this piece helped me realize that I prefer more traditional mediums to digital. Maybe it was just my computer but it felt like there were a lot of technical difficulties throughout the process, like work not saving or not things taking an extremely long time to load because of the file sizes. This topic is also difficult for me to share with others, and doing this piece put me in a very vulnerable position to those who didn't previously know about my disordered eating habits. Along with that, it was a bit uncomfortable exposing the part of my body I am most insecure about- my stomach. I did not enjoy the process, however I did like the final product and hope that I can evoke a few emotions out of the people viewing it.
- ACT Connections -
1) Clearly explain how you were able to identify the cause effect relationship between your inspiration and its effect on your art?
My inspiration for this piece was Davis Arribas's photography following a young anorexic girl. It inspired the final look of my piece in the last stage of editing when I was playing with contrast and saturation.
2) What is the overall approach the author has regarding the topic of your inspiration?
While Arribas himself is not anorexic, he approached the subject in a way that would evoke empathy for those suffering from an eating disorder.
3) What kind of generalizations and conclusions have you discovered about people, ideas, cultures, etc. while you researched your inspiration?
While researching I learned a little bit more about the reasons why people do black and white photography instead of just leaving it in color. I also learned more about how specifically anorexia affects people.
4) What was the central idea or theme around your inspirational research?
In my research I looked specifically for photography based on exploring eating disorders, and ended up finding a really amazing collection of such pieces on the Washington Post website.
5.) What kind of inferences did you make while reading your research?
I concluded that eating disorders are far too common and a large societal issue that needs to be addressed, especially for young women and girls who feel pressured by society to look a certain way.
My inspiration for this piece was Davis Arribas's photography following a young anorexic girl. It inspired the final look of my piece in the last stage of editing when I was playing with contrast and saturation.
2) What is the overall approach the author has regarding the topic of your inspiration?
While Arribas himself is not anorexic, he approached the subject in a way that would evoke empathy for those suffering from an eating disorder.
3) What kind of generalizations and conclusions have you discovered about people, ideas, cultures, etc. while you researched your inspiration?
While researching I learned a little bit more about the reasons why people do black and white photography instead of just leaving it in color. I also learned more about how specifically anorexia affects people.
4) What was the central idea or theme around your inspirational research?
In my research I looked specifically for photography based on exploring eating disorders, and ended up finding a really amazing collection of such pieces on the Washington Post website.
5.) What kind of inferences did you make while reading your research?
I concluded that eating disorders are far too common and a large societal issue that needs to be addressed, especially for young women and girls who feel pressured by society to look a certain way.
- Citations -
Arribas, David, "Cage". Madrid, Spain, 2020.